How to grow up in a relationship

7 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Growing | HuffPost Life

how to grow up in a relationship

Remember when we were kids, all we wanted was to grow up, to take the wheel of our lives, to get there. But only when we sat in the driver's. Is your relationship helping you grow as a person? have considered, and this opens up new pleasure experiences and an expanded sense. I am emotional, but I can also be very unemotional. What does that make me? I believe the word I am looking for, is human. See, humans can.

They have their own life to lead. You are a grown-up. You must do those things for yourself. I'm still working on this one. Intimacy is the Holy Grail of adult relationships.

Intimacy Is Not Sex It is a magical state where you are each aware of yourself as a separate adult, but are prepared to defend and protect the most vulnerable parts of your significant other. There are levels of intimacy, which makes it a very fulfilling and possibly lifelong quest. If you want to put the mystery back into your relationship, up the quality of your listening.

Real listening means clearing the decks, getting all your stuff out of the way so you can fully take in another person: When my husband and I learned how to do this it blew our minds.

The single best relationship tool ever. Meet Each Other's Emotional Needs When people talk about emotional needs, they are talking about being heard, being respected and being valued. The paradox is that these needs will only be met by your partner if you meet them in yourself first.

Partnership As Therapy Nothing is going to get you to your wounded bits faster than setting up house with another person. The flip side of this is that the best way to understand yourself is by observing what triggers you. It took me almost two years to make any friends. Marilyn Manson was an inspiration to me around this time because through his music and in his interviews, he vocally pushed a message of self-empowerment, especially to disillusioned teens like me. It was he who first suggested that I get to decide what is cool and not cool, that people shame non-conformists because they are afraid of not conforming themselves, and that daring to not conform and empowering yourself to be who you want to be is what gave others permission to do the same.

Today, Marilyn is often remembered for his cheesy makeup and his shock rock outfits on stage. You are always free to choose. And not only are you free to choose, but you are obliged to choose who you are going to be, whether you realize it or not. The only question is: Do you have the courage to be an adult? Do you have the courage to decide for yourself what your values are?

The problem with writing about any sort of hierarchy like this is that every reader tends to immediately imagine themselves on the top rung, taking discreet pleasure in judging the masses of poor, unfortunate souls stuck on the rungs below them.

I know this for the simple reason that the majority of the population is still floundering in these stages most of the time myself included. On top of that, these high-level, adult values are the definition of what we consider to be noble and virtuous. We all know and revere these stories. Because we rarely, if ever, are able to do these things ourselves. This is because we tell ourselves all sorts of elaborate stories to justify what we want.

This is bullshit, of course. And that story is usually highly biased and vastly overestimates how noble and selfless we were. We must become skeptical of the interpretations of our own actions. Instead, we must focus on the actions themselves. Interpretations can be changed or forgotten.

But actions are permanent. Therefore, the only way to get at your values — to truly understand what you value and what you do not — is to observe your actions. What you want is to feel like you want to go back.

how to grow up in a relationship

And that is completely different. You say you do to justify your lower-level values. There are people who are great friends but shitty parents. There are people who are great parents but shitty professionals. There are people who are just shitty people but holy fuck, are they productive.

We all have our areas of maturity and immaturity. Most recurring emotional problems people experience are simply first- and second-level value systems that are being held onto despite the fact that they are failing. A co-worker who steals your work and calls it their own is indulging in a compulsive desire for pleasure or, in this case, success.

Lying is inherently selfish and designed to make way for our most selfish desires. If I lie to my wife about where I was last night, then it signifies, by definition, that I am acting selfishly and compulsively.

how to grow up in a relationship

Generally, the more lying, the more compulsive we probably are. The latter is honesty, the former is manipulation. And the line between the two is blurry for a lot of people. These are things you come to understand about yourself because you question not only your actions but your interpretations of your own actions. Any time you sit down with a therapist or coach or friend, this is the process that is happening.

You are describing your actions and your interpretation of those actions. Or are you just deluding yourself? Do your actions reflect what you think is important? If not, where is the disconnect? To become happy and healthy. The belief went that the only way to protect us from ourselves is to create systems so interlocking and interdependent that no one person or group can completely hose the rest of the population at any given time.

Put another way, the founders and Enlightenment thinkers understood that the games of politics and statecraft are inevitably played at the level of bargaining and transactional relationships, and therefore systems need to be constructed in such a way that no one person or organization can win too much, too often.

Most politicians make their names and their livings by existing in a vast web of transactional relationships. They bargain with their voters and donors.

They bargain with each other to build coalitions and alliances. They bargain with other branches of government and political parties to jockey for prominence and position. That is, by being childish. This is what extremists are: Because extremists are intractable and impossible to bargain with, extremists are, by definition, childish. They want the world to be a certain way and they refuse to acknowledge any interests or values other than their own. They refuse to bargain.

They refuse to appeal to a higher virtue or principle above their own selfish desires.

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Therefore, they ruin everything around them. Extremists are dangerous because they know how to dress up their childish values in the language of transaction or universal principle.

But what he really means is that he wants freedom from any other values. He wants freedom from having to deal with change or the marginalization of other people.

how to grow up in a relationship

He wants the freedom to pursue his own impulses and desires. Extremists on the left play the same game, the only thing that changes is the language. And that she will give up anything for it.

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But what she really means is that she never wants to feel inferior or harmed. That she never wants to feel threatened or unsafe. Essentially, that she never wants to feel pain. And demanding that everyone be treated equally at all times, in all circumstances, is one way of running away from that pain. Extremism, on both the right and the left, has undeniably risen in the past few decades.

There are likely many complicated and overlapping reasons for this. American culture is based on the indulgence of pleasure and avoidance of pain.

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American consumerism has become so good at indulging these childish impulses that much of the population has come to see them as rights. Extremists on the right respond to the fact that they believe climate change is a hoax or evolution is fake with the claim that they have the right to believe anything they want to.

These are childish views. And when you deny reality, bad things happen.

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The problem is that the media again, both on the right and the left has discovered that reinforcing the childish wishes of extremists on each side is good for business. They are addicts for their cause. They throw their lives away for it. And because they will throw their lives away for an imagined cause, they make for the most impassioned audience. The extremes get the most attention. They get the most clicks. And they cause the most controversy.

But just in case you do, here you go: But what about lying to a friend? Or waking up early for work? Or, like, not doing heroin. This is because, when you view all relationships and actions as a means to an end, you will suspect an ulterior motive in everything that happens and everything anyone ever does to you.

Before you can move on and learn from these flawed value systems, you must experience the pain of them failing. That means not denying that they are failing. That means not avoiding the pain of that failure. That means facing that failure head on and admitting what is plain to see: Step 2 — Skin in the game.

Therefore, when they feel good, they feel good about themselves, and when they feel bad, they feel bad about themselves. What was I thinking? This likely makes the problem worse. The problem is not you. You fucked up because you caused pain for bad reasons. They want to teach alcoholics the virtue of honesty. They want to convince violent abusers of the importance of generosity and patience. People stuck at compulsion need to first learn to think of things in transactional terms.

People you love and want to help. It fucks up other life plans. It destroys families, finances, and fidelity.

how to grow up in a relationship

Addicts and criminals often overcome this by latching onto some transactional value. Honesty and trust are the highest form of intimacy.

If you tell a lie once then all your truths can become questionable. When you are honest, you produce honest actions and reactions. The desire we feel for the other person is an indication of the liveliness and spontaneity in our lives and in our relationship.

Desire is to love what wood is for fire.

how to grow up in a relationship

Desire without love can result in a state of longing and neediness. Love is a word that covers a variety of feelings. Love is an emotion. On one hand it can be an absolute delight, while on the other hand it can be pure kindness. Love reveals our potential to see, feel, touch, and smell, that which we've never dreamed of. How we experience love is a choice. It can come from nowhere and feel like that person was made specifically for us. Loving one another means accepting each other exactly as they are.

You know everything about the person and welcome it all. You have seen all their traits and still want to be a part of their life.